That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
