chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
