I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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