i wish my penis had a tongue
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
