They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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