When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
