You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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