I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
