; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize