What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
