I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize