You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
