If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
