I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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