I looked at my own cervix.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Randomize
