I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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