why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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