i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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