I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
