Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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