the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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