I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
