my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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