Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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