He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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