my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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