for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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