i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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