Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
