I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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