Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
