I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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