Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In other news, I just burned my penis
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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