I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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