People in love make me want to vomit
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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