I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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