I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
