a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
