turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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