babies were throwing up all over the place
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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