the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
