We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
