You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize