I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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