do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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