Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
