Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize