Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
