I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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