I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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