I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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