the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
