Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
