I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
