4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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