Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
