I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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