i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i wish my penis had a tongue
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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