I think I won the penis lottery.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
